”NOW let us return to those three-brained beings arising on the planet Earth, who have interested you most of all and whom you have called ‘slugs.’

”I shall begin by saying how glad I am that you happen to be a long way from those three-centered beings whom you called by a word so ‘insulting to their dignity’ and that they are not likely ever to hear of it.

”Do you know, you poor thing, you small boy not yet aware of himself, what they would do to you, particularly the contemporary beings there, if they should hear what you called them?

”What they would have done to you if you had been there and if they had got hold of you – I am seized with horror at the very mention of it.

”At best they would have trashed you so, that as our Mullah Nassr Eddin there says, ‘you wouldn’t have recovered your senses before the next crop of birches.’

”In any case, I advise you that, whenever you start anything new, you should always bless Fate and beseech her mercy, that she should always be on guard and prevent the beings of the planet Earth from ever suspecting that you, my beloved and only grandson, dared to call them ‘slugs.’

”You must know that during the time of my observations of them from the planet Mars and during the periods of my existence among them, I studied the psyche of these strange three-brained beings very thoroughly, and so I already know very well what they would do to anybody who dared to give them such a nickname.

[11. A piquant trait, p. 95]

”To be sure, it was only in childish naivete that you called them so; but the three-brained beings of that peculiar planet, especially the contemporary ones, do not discriminate such fine points.

”Who called them, why, and in what circumstances – it’s all one. They have been called by a name they consider insulting – and that’s quite enough.

”Discrimination in such matters is, according to the understanding of most of them, simply, as they express it, ‘pouring from the empty into the void.’

”Be that as it may, you were in any case extremely rash to call the three-brained beings breeding on the planet Earth by such an offensive name; first, because you have made me anxious for you, and secondly, because you have laid up for yourself a menace for the future.

”The position is this: Though, as I have already said, you are a long way off, and they will be unable to get at you to punish you personally, yet nevertheless if they should somehow unexpectedly chance to learn even at twentieth hand how you insulted them, then you could at once be sure of their real ‘anathema,’ and the dimensions of this anathema would depend upon the interests with which they happened to be occupied at the given moment.

”Perhaps it is worth while describing to you how the beings of the Earth would behave if they should happen to learn that you had so insulted them. This description may serve as a very good example for the elucidation of the strangeness of the psyche of these three-brained beings who interest you.

”Provoked by such an incident as your thus insulting them, if everything was rather ‘dull’ with them at the given moment, owing to the absence of any other similar absurd interest, they would arrange somewhere in a previously chosen place, with previously invited people, all of course dressed in costumes specially designed for such occasions, what is called a ‘solemn council.’

[11. A piquant trait, p. 96]

”First of all, for this ‘solemn council’ of theirs, they would select from among themselves what is called a ‘president’ and only then would they proceed with their ‘trial.’

”To begin with, they would, as they say there, ‘pick you to pieces,’ and not only you, but your father, your grandfather, and perhaps even all the way back to Adam.

”If they should then decide – of course, as always, by a majority of votes – that you are guilty, they would sentence you according to the indications of a code of laws collated on the basis of former similar ‘puppet plays’ by beings called ‘old fossils.’

”But if they should happen, by a ‘majority of votes’ to find nothing criminal in your action at all – though this very seldom occurs among them – then this whole ‘trial’ of theirs, set out on paper in detail and signed by the whole lot of them, would be dispatched – you would think into the wastepaper basket? Oh, no! – to appropriate specialists; in the given instances to what is called the ‘Hierarchy’ or ‘Holy Synod,’ where the same procedure would be repeated; only in this case you would be tried by ‘important’ beings there.

”Only at the very end of this true ‘pouring from the empty into the void’ would they come to the main point, namely, that the accused is out of reach.

”But it is just here that arises the principal danger to your person, namely, that when they are quite certain beyond all doubt that they cannot get hold of you, they will then unanimously decide nothing more nor less than, as I have already said, to ‘anathematize’ you.

”And do you know what that is and how it is done?

”No!

”Then listen and shudder.

[11. A piquant trait, p. 97]

”The most ‘important’ beings will decree to all the other beings that in all their appointed establishments, such as what are called ‘churches,’ ‘chapels,’ ‘synagogues,’ ‘town-halls,’ and so on, special officials on special occasions with appointed ceremonies wish for you in thought something like the following:

”That you should lose your horns, or that your hair should turn prematurely grey, or that the food in your stomach should be turned into coffin nails, or that your future wife’s tongue should be three times its size, or that whenever you take a bite of your pet pie it should be turned into ‘soap,’ and so on and so forth in the same strain.

”Do you now understand to what dangers you exposed yourself when you called these remote three-brained freaks ‘slugs’?”

Having finished thus, Beelzebub looked with a smile on his favorite.

“Let us talk again about those three-brained beings arising and existing on the planet Earth who have most interested you and whom you call ‘slugs’.

“I shall begin by saying how glad I am that you are a long way from those three-centred beings whom you call ‘slugs’ and they are never likely to hear of it.

“Do you know, you poor thing, – a mere chit of a boy who has not yet become aware of himself – what they, and particularly the contemporary beings there, would do to you if they should hear how you referred to them?

“What they would do to you if you were there, or if they should get hold of you – I’m seized with horror as I even mention it.

“At best they would so thrash you that as our Mullah Nassr Eddin there says: ‘You wouldn’t recover your senses before the next crop of birches’.

“In any case, I advise you that, whenever you start anything new, you should always bless and beseech Fate always to kindly watch out that beings of the planet Earth never suspect that just you, my beloved and only grandson, dared to call them ‘slugs’.

“You must know that during the time of my observation of them from the planet Mars and during the periods of my existence among them, I studied the psyche of these strange three-brained beings very thoroughly, and I already know very well what they would do to anybody who dared to nickname them so.

“Although it was only in boyish naiveté that you called them this, the three-brained beings of that peculiar planet, especially the contemporary ones, do not deal in such refinements.

“Who it was, why it was, in what circumstances it was – it’s all the same! They were called by a name which they consider insulting, – and that’s quite enough.

“Discrimination is for most minds there simply, as they express it, ‘pouring from the empty into the empty’.

“Be that as it may, you were, in any case, extremely rash to call the three-brained beings breeding on the planet Earth by such an offensive word; firstly, because you have made me anxious for you, and secondly, you have laid yourself up trouble for the future.

“The position is this: although, as I have already told you, being a long way off, they may be unable to get at you to punish you personally, yet nevertheless, if they should by remote chance learn even at twentieth hand how you insulted them, then you can certainly already be assured of their real “anathema”, the dimensions of which will depend on the subject of interest at the given moment.

“Perhaps it is worth while describing to you how the beings of the Earth would behave if they happened to learn that you insulted them in this way. This description may serve as a very good example for the elucidation of the strange psyche of these three-brained beings who interest you.

“Provoked by such an event, namely, your insulting them, if everything was rather ‘dull’ with them at the given moment, owing to the absence of any other similar absurd interest, they would arrange somewhere in a place previously chosen what is called a ‘solemn council’ consisting of people previously invited, all, of course, dressed in special costumes for such occasions.

“For their ‘solemn council’ they would first select what is called a ‘president’ from among themselves and only then would they proceed with their ‘trial’.
“To begin with, they would, as they say there, ‘try you minutely’, and not only you, but your father, your grandfather, and perhaps even back to Adam.

“If they should then decide, – certainly of course by a majority of votes, – that you are guilty, they would sentence you according to a code of laws collated from former similar ‘puppet plays’ by beings called ‘old fossils’.

“But if they should happen, by a ‘majority of votes’, to find nothing criminal in your conduct at all – though this very seldom occurs among them – then this whole ‘trial’ of theirs, set out on paper in detail and signed by the whole lot of them would be despatched….you think into the wastepaper basket?…..Not on your life….. to appointed specialists, in the given instance, to what is called the ‘Holy Synod’ or ‘Hierarchy’ where the same procedure would again be repeated, – only in this case you would be ‘tried’ by ‘important’ beings there.

“Only at the very end of this real ‘pouring from the empty into the empty’ would they come to the vital point, namely, that they couldn’t get hold of the accused.

“Yes, but it is just at that point that the rub comes for you personally….. namely, that when they are quite certain beyond all doubt, that they can’t get hold of you, they will, then, unanimously decide neither more nor less than, as I have already said, to ‘anathematize’ you.

“And do you know what that is and how it is done?

“No?”

“Then listen and shudder.

“The most ‘important’ beings will ordain that in all their appointed establishments called ‘churches’, ‘chapels’, ‘Synagogues’, ‘town-halls’ and so on, special officials shall on special occasions with appointed ceremonies wish for you in their thoughts something like the following:

“That you should lose your horns, or that your hair should turn grey, or that the food in your stomach should become coffin-nails, or that your future wife’s tongue should be three times its size, or that whenever you take a bite of your pet pie, it should taste like ‘soap’, and so on and so forth in the same strain.

“Do you now understand to what dangers you exposed yourself when you called these remote three-brained freaks ‘slugs’?”

Having finished thus, Beelzebub looked with a smile on his favourite.