Although I have begun to write in Russian, nevertheless, as the wisest of the wise, Mullah Nassr Eddin, would say, in that language you cannot go far. 38 BTG I

The Russian language, it cannot be denied, is very good. I even like it, but … only for swapping anecdotes and for use in referring to someone’s parentage. 40 BTG I

The Russian language is like the English, which language is also very good, but only for discussing in “smoking rooms”, while sitting on an easy chair with legs out-stretched on another, the topic of Australian frozen meat or, sometimes, the Indian question. 41 BTG I

But if I set out to use judiciously this automatically acquired automatism which has become easy from long practice, then I should have to write either in Russian or in Armenian, because the circumstances of my life during the last two or three decades have been such that I have had for intercourse with others to use, and consequently to have more practice in just these two languages and to acquire an automatism in respect to them. 44 BTG I

This may indeed happen, because in Russian the so to say “niceties” of philosophical questions cannot be expressed, which questions I intend to touch upon in my writings also rather fully, whereas in Armenian, although this is possible, yet to the misfortune of all contemporary Armenians, the employment of this language for contemporary notions has now already become quite impracticable. 51 BTG I

But the change I have witnessed in that language during the last thirty or forty years has been such, that instead of an original independent language coming to us from the remote past, there has resulted and now exists one, which though also original and independent, yet represents, as might be said, a “kind of clownish potpourri of languages”, the totality of the consonances of which, falling on the ear of a more or less conscious and understanding listener, sounds just like the “tones” of Turkish, Persian, French, Kurd, and Russian words and still other “indigestible” and inarticulate noises. 55 BTG I

It could assuredly be said that even the best expert of modern Greek would understand simply nothing of what I should write in the native language I assimilated in childhood, because, my dear “compatriots”, as they might be called, being also inflamed with the wish at all costs to be like the representatives of contemporary civilization also in their conversation, have during these thirty of forty years treated my dear native language just as the Armenians, anxious to become Russian intelligentsia, have treated theirs. 57 BTG I

Meanwhile in the present case, I shall write partly in Russian and party in Armenian, the more readily because among those people always “hanging around” me there are several who “cerebrate” more or less easily in both these languages, and I meanwhile entertain the hope that they will be able to transcribe and translate from these languages fairly well for me. 63 BTG I

Soon after the definite inculcation into my nature of the said new inherency, that is the unaccountable striving to elucidate the real reasons for the arising of all sorts of “actual facts”, on my first arrival in the heart of Russia, the city of Moscow, where, finding nothing else for the satisfaction of my psychic needs, I occupied myself with the investigation of Russian legends and sayings, I once happened — whether accidentally or as a result of some objective sequence according to law I do not know — to learn by the way the following: 161 BTG I

Once upon a time a certain Russian, who in external appearance was to those around him a simple merchant, had to go from his provincial town on some business or other to this second capital of Russia, the city of Moscow, and his son, his favorite one — because he resembled only his mother — asked him to bring back a certain book. 162 BTG I

After this reply to our Russian merchant who was perplexed by these two quite contradictory but obviously clearly reconcilable facts, it was visible that something began to proceed in him, and gazing up at the ceiling, he again pondered, this time like an English professor who has invented a capsule for castor oil, and then suddenly turned to his friend and delivered himself for the first time on Earth of the verbal formulation which, expressing in its essence an indubitable objective truth, has since assumed the character of a saying. 170 BTG I

“And at times if the offended one had greater physical strength, and an important power-possessing being with whom he was not on very good terms was not watching him, he would simply maul the offender as the Russian Sidor once mauled his favorite goat. 1408 BTG XX

“Just as in the large community Russia the contents of all what are called ‘newspapers’ and ‘magazines’ used to be always devoted to the question of Russian vodka, so now in that community England, more than half of the text of all their ‘evil-sowers’ is devoted to that famous sport”. 2575 BTG XXIX

“As I have just said, at this period of my activities, my existence passed at first chiefly in various towns of Chinese Turkestan, but circumstances so fell out, that later I preferred to be in the towns of Russian Turkestan. 3288 BTG XXXIII

“Here among the beings of Russian Turkestan, one of the said ‘pernicious habits’ or as they themselves call them ‘vices’, namely, the smoking of opium, was very rare, and the chewing of anasha was even rarer, but on the other hand, the use of what is called ‘Russian vodka’ flourished luxuriantly there. 3289 BTG XXXIII

“But to remain in this Turkestan and to organize my existence there in such a way as to have the full possibility of giving my planetary body the required rest I could not, in any way, because in almost all the beings there on that part of the surface of your planet, breeding in both Chinese and Russian Turkestan, there had already been crystallized, either through personal perceptions or from the descriptions of others, data for recognizing my appearance; at the same time, each of the ordinary beings of this country wished to speak with me concerning either himself personally or his nearest on account of one of the vices in the deliverance from which I had chanced to become there such an unparalleled specialist. 3297 BTG XXXIII

“When this sympathetic elderly Russian finished speaking, I, having thought a little, replied that I might very possibly consent to his proposal to go to Russia, since that country might perhaps be very suitable also for my chief aim. 3350 BTG XXXIV

“After this talk with the important Russian being, I soon got ready, and several days after left Egypt together with him. Two weeks later we were already in the chief place of existence of this large community, in the town at that time still called ‘Saint Petersburg’. 3352 BTG XXXIV

“In the center of this large ‘cavalcade’ there rolled by what is called a ‘Russian phaeton’, harnessed with four horses driven by an unusually fat and ‘imposing looking’ coachman. This imposing exterior, also quite Russian in manner, was due to the pads put in corresponding parts under his clothes. In this phaeton sat two beings, one of the type of that country Persia, and the other, a typical what is called ‘Russian general’. 3369 BTG XXXIV

“And it is thanks to this lack of foresight in these German beings that the scandalous misfortune for the poor Russians came about — that is to say, it is owing to the fact that the feathers of the crows are dyed by nature, as it ‘unsuspectingly-and-unexpectedly’ turned out, just a genuine black, which, even with these aniline dyes invented by themselves, cannot possibly be dyed any other color owing to the said vile imperfection of these dyes — that these poor Russian ‘crows’ cannot therefore possibly become peacocks. And what is worst of all, having ceased to be crows and not yet having become peacocks, they willy-nilly turn into the bird turkey, which expresses ideally, as has been formulated by our dear teacher, ‘Half-with-a-quarter-plus-three-quarters . ‘ 3387 BTG XXXIV

“As I have already said, while my acquaintance, the said important Russian, settled up his affairs which had become disorganized during his absence, I began to go about everywhere and meet beings there, of different, as is said, ‘class’ and ‘position’, in order to study the characteristic particularities of their manners and customs, and to make clear for myself the cause of their so-called ‘organic need’ for alcohol, and the manifest consequences also of the result of its effects on their common presences. 3390 BTG XXXIV

“In spite of the fact that I went about there everywhere pursuing my special aim, hustling at the same time for the said permit, I nevertheless often met that important Russian, my first acquaintance, who, although he was, as I said, very busy with his own affairs, nevertheless found time to visit me or to receive me at his house. 3426 BTG XXXIV

“This important Russian laid very great weight on my considerations and remarks on what had already been done by the Trusteeship of People’s Temperance and also concerning the projects of future undertakings, and was always sincerely delighted by the justice of my observations. 3429 BTG XXXIV

“Those petty ‘intrigues’ of theirs proceeded in full between the separate parties as well as between the separate members of that absolutely indispensable state organization, just at the time I arrived with my first Russian acquaintance in the chief place of existence of the said community. 3440 BTG XXXIV

“When my first acquaintance, the important Russian, learned about this decision of mine, he was greatly grieved; greatly grieved also were yet several other Russian beings who indeed wished more or less good for their fatherland, and who, during this period, had had time to become clearly convinced that my knowledge and my experience might be very useful for their fundamental aim. 3444 BTG XXXIV

“On the eve of my departure my first acquaintance, the important Russian, came to me unexpectedly and having sincerely expressed his regret at my departure, begged me very earnestly to postpone it for several days so that after the consecration and opening of the said building he might travel with me and incidentally rest a little from the recent bustle, intrigues, and subterfuges. 3446 BTG XXXIV

“And the further events proceeded in the following order: “On the day of the said state solemnity while the ceremony was still proceeding, my first acquaintance the Russian suddenly ran towards me shoving his way through the beings who appeared there in all the blaze of various what are called ‘orders’ and ‘regimentals’, and in a joyous voice told me that I was to have the ‘happiness’ of being presented to His Majesty the Czar; having said this and speaking rapidly, he hurried away. 3450 BTG XXXIV

“In the heat of this last process of theirs, namely, during this Russian Bolshevism, the contemporary beings of other communities grew very sincerely agitated when the beings, who by chance had become as it were ‘active’ in this distressing process, gave orders to other ordinary beings, as it is said, to ‘shoot’ any Tom, Dick, or Harry. 3563 BTG XXXIV

”Formerly, almost every Russian family had its own hammam, but recently when I was in their chief place of existence, the former St. Petersburg, for the last time, and where at that time more than two millions of these Russian beings existed, there were only seven or eight of such hammams there — and even then, only those beings went to these hammams who were called there ‘house porters’ and ‘workmen’, that is, beings who happened to come there to the capital from distant villages where the custom of going to the hammam or as they sometimes call it the ‘bath’ had not yet been quite wiped out. 3627 BTG XXXIV

“Well, my boy; in the same way a mass of other good customs as well as moral habits, adopted in the course of centuries by these Russian beings and already well fixed in the process of their ordinary existence during the last two centuries when these Russians became the object of influence of the European beings, began gradually to disappear, and instead of them new customs and new moral habits were formed among them, which they have at the present time, such as the usage of ‘kissing a lady’s hand’, ‘being polite only with young ladies’, ‘looking at a wife before her husband with the left eye’, and so on and so forth. 3635 BTG XXXIV

“The first thing that I happened to notice was that all the servants of that hotel then consisted of foreigners who mostly spoke the English language, whereas, not so long ago, as it seems, all the servants of this same hotel spoke only the Russian language. 3692 BTG XXXVII

“In recent times in this Montmartre, very many what are called ‘special Russian restaurants’ had been opened, and both in these special Russian restaurants, as well as other restaurants, the so-called ‘artists’ and ‘actors’ are beings of just the great community Russia, mostly from the beings of the former ruling class there. 3733 BTG XXXVII

“While telling you about this separate grouping of the three-brained beings, that is about France, I must also tell you for the fullness of its characterization that in France there are also beings of the ruling class, who also invented very ‘good means’ for the calming of the minds of the ordinary beings of their community, just as the power-possessing beings of the big community Russia employ such a means for the encouragement of the use of the famous Russian vodka, and the power-possessing beings of the community England at the present time attain the same by their not less famous ‘sport’. 3858 BTG XXXVII

“I repeat that both these great religions there were founded ‘from-bits-taken-here-and-there’ from the teachings of two genuine messengers of HIS ENDLESSNESS, and though the three-brained beings there of former centuries ‘stripped’ both these teachings much as the Russian Siclor ‘stripped’ his goats, yet nevertheless some even down to the present time believed in something and hoped for something owing to these teachings, and thereby made their desolate existence a little more bearable. 3929 BTG XXXVIII

“It is very interesting to notice further that just as formerly the Russian czar was supplied by his nearest old patriarchal functionaries with a great quantity of what is called ‘money’, obtained by the sweat of the peasants, and was sent to the continent of Europe to study in the various communities there a great number of methods of government, in order that when he returned he might the better orientate himself in the ruling of his community; so likewise these present callow Turkish rulers were also provided by their own ‘patriarchal’ fathers with much ‘money’, this time however obtained by the sweat of the ‘Khaivansanansaks’, and also sent to the continent Europe to receive there what they call a ‘good education’ for the future welfare of their fatherland. 3974 BTG XXXVIII

“And so, my boy, in both of these cases, because their future rulers of the two large many-millioned communities went to the continent of Europe quite young and had not yet at all become aware of their responsibility, but chiefly thanks to this that they were provided with money from the said source, the existence of the beings there on the continent of Europe was absorbed and permanently crystallized in them as so ‘splendiferous and beneficial’ that when afterwards, on account of the abnormally established conditions of existence in their country, they became leaders of these many-millioned communities, they, like the Russian Czar, could not help aiming to make the existence of their compatriots, to their bobtailed notions, happy as well. 3975 BTG XXXVIII

“Hadji-Asvatz-Troov continued: “‘At first we made our experiments with the aid of this vibrosho alone, but one day when my friend Kerbalai-Azis-Nuaran was in the Bokharan town of X on business, he happened to see a grand piano there at an auction sale of a number of things belonging to a Russian general who had left, and noticing by chance that its strings were made of just the metal needed for our experiments, he bought it and afterwards, of course with great difficulty, brought it up here into the mountains. 5369 BTG XLI

“Several years after reading that book, I chanced to read again almost the same thing about this Chicago slaughterhouse in a certain also serious Russian magazine, in which this slaughterhouse was lauded in the same way. 5738 BTG XLII

“‘A good illustration is the present-day observance of this fast by those called the Russian “Orthodox Christians”. 6110 BTG XLII

“‘These Russian Orthodox Christians took their religion entirely from those called the “Orthodox Greeks”, from whom, together with many other Christian customs, this same custom of “fasting” also passed to them. 6111 BTG XLII

“‘Most of the millions of these Russian Orthodox Christians still continue to fast as is said “rigorously”, in conformity with what is called the “orthodox code” now existing there. 6112 BTG XLII

“‘The fasting of these Russian Orthodox Christians is just a case of this kind. 6114 BTG XLII

“‘As I have already said, these Russian Orthodox Christians even of the present time very strictly observe the seasons and the days of the fasts indicated in the aforesaid “codes”. 6116 BTG XLII

“‘You will clearly understand how these contemporary Russian Orthodox Christians fast, if I repeat to you the exact words of one of these genuine Russian Orthodox Christians, spoken to me not long ago there in Russia. 6118 BTG XLII

“‘I used to meet this Russian there on certain business and even became somewhat friendly with him and visited him in his home. 6119 BTG XLII

“Old Believers is the name given to those Orthodox Christians whose ancestors several centuries ago declined to accept the new rules then laid down by somebody or other for Russian Orthodox Christians, but remained faithful followers of the previously existing rules also laid down by somebody or other, only a century or two before the given ‘religious schism’ such as usually occurs among them from time to time. 6122 BTG XLII

“‘And so the said worthy Russian Old Believer’ — I continued to the young Persian — ‘once when we were dining together at his house in the company of several other Russians, also Orthodox Christians, turned to me and said: “‘”Eh! old dear!” 6123 BTG XLII

“‘By the way, I must tell you that it is common among the beings of this group there, after the second glass of genuine Russian vodka, to call their acquaintances by various pet names such as “old dear”, “my Zapoopoonchik”, “my potbellied beauty”, “eh, my little brown jug”, and so on and so forth. 6124 BTG XLII

“‘And so this worthy genuine Orthodox Christian, addressing me as “old dear”, said: “‘”Never mind, old dear! We shall soon be having Lent and then we shall feast together on real Russian dishes. 6125 BTG XLII

“‘After this prayer, this worthy Orthodox Russian Christian drained a monster glass of genuine refined Russian vodka and stared fondly at a little statue of “Venus and Psyche” which stood nearby. 6144 BTG XLII

“‘And indeed, my friend, almost every Russian Orthodox Christian has a similar idea of fasting and a similar attitude towards it. 6145 BTG XLII

“‘I personally find only one thing incomprehensible — from where did these Russian “sorry Orthodox” get the idea that during the Christian fasts, especially during Lent, the flesh of fish may be eaten? 6148 BTG XLII

“‘But the Russian sorry Orthodox Christians, who consider themselves faithful followers of that great religion, also fast, but during their fast they eat the flesh of fish, that is to say, they eat just those organisms which contain according to the researches of the great Hertoonano that harmful substance Eknokh, precisely to guard them against which that wise and salutary custom was created’. 6192 BTG XLII

“The result of it all was that when the ‘class mistresses’ and ‘governesses’ who had fainted, revived, they then and there held in the field under the presidency of this same headmistress of the institution, what is there called a ‘teachers’ council’, by whose sentence it was decided immediately on return to town to telegraph Elizabeth’s father to come for his daughter, as she was expelled from the institute with loss of right to enter any other similar institute in the Russian Empire. 6301 BTG XLII

“The first half, however, of this word was not taken from the ancient Greek as was usually done, but from the what is called ‘Russian language’, namely, they took the Russian word ‘plus’ — in Russian ‘plus’ means ‘rogue’ — and in this way obtained plutocrat. 6525 BTG XLIII

“Even the interpreter of Russian wisdom, Kusma Proutkoff, has good sayings for such a case: 6720 BTG XLIII